Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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