Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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