The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
