The maid of honor just puked.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
