I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
