How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
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I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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