Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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