I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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