Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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