I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
