I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it hurts more in the daytime
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
