i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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