I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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