if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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