I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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