I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
