I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
