Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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