Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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