Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was born a porn star she said
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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