Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
