I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
