GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
