Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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