Betty ford says i'm here all night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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