no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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