The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
