I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
