He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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