i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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