I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
