watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
