Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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