You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
