Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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