the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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