if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
