Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
