you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
