Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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