I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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