Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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