One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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