i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
