my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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