She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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