i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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