She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
