I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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