I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
