You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
