you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
