My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
