I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
