I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
