from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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