fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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