Screwed.edu
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
