I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
