I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
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Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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